If you look at my life since 2006 you might see how appropriate this is to me. I have been a wanderer. Granted, some of the adventures I’ve been on are not so fun. Please don’t think I feel my life has been all doom and gloom—far from it. I would say my life has been more similar to hiking—through exciting mountains, forest, canyons, but also flat boring lands, muddy ground or even raging and dangerous waterfalls to cross as well.
In a store in the Denver International Airport, I found a journal with this Tolkien quote on the front, “Not all those who wander are lost.” I bought it instantly as I am a huge Tolkien fan with a dire love of Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit (with the books being better then the movies)… plus I had a feeling that a journal might be necessary as I had left my huge one at home to pack light(er) for that trip.
It was a wise decision as I was able to spend a lot of time to myself in Kernville, California, which was a huge blessing as I needed to take a break from a busy life as a barista.
As a few, or most, of you know (not sure who I am speaking to) currently I feel I am going to be heading to Australia in September. I will explain more in detail as I go on, but simply I am aiming to do graphic design for YWAM (Youth With A Mission) in Perth, Australia, while also hopefully helping assist with one or a few of the many YWAM schools there. The schools equip and help people experience what worldwide missionary life is like.
To me, currently, that seems like the perfect job for me. It is a way for me to use both my undergrad and graduate degrees. It would mean me taking my studies from Savannah College of Art and Design (SCAD) in graphic design and putting them into action. Plus it would be a way to take “Christian Formation and Soul Care” (my graduate degree from Denver Seminary) and utilize it for God’s will out of assistance with any of the YWAM schools.
Yet unfortunately, I have a strong sense of fear sometimes. I have been in a similar situation in the past, in which it became very obvious that it was not time God wanted me to go…
In 2012, I was about to graduate from SCAD. Over Christmas break in 2011, it occurred to me that I could help the mission’s organization of YWAM with what I had been learning for so many years—graphic design. I emailed the places that said online they were seeking for a graphic designer—two of which were in Bangkok, Thailand and the other in Perth, Australia. It ended up that both got back to me with positive responses, but one was one day ahead of the other—Thailand.
So I decided to go to Thailand. After all, it was technically the first one to get back to me, right? I designed a support card, created a Pay Pal account and even had friends over to help me stick all the cards into envelopes. I was about to start addressing and mailing them out over the spring break in between quarters at SCAD.
Then one night it happened. A seizure occurred while driving late (10 pm) and because I was not conscious, my car ran right into a nearby building. I am terribly thankful there wasn’t anybody walking on the street at that moment and my injury was so minute (one broken toe and several swollen parts on my lower lip from unconscious bites). Ironically, and evidence of God’s protection, my car was squashed on the driver’s side due to the angle at which I hit the building. I should have been way more injured… possibly another life–threatening injury.
Interestingly, the deterrence of going on the mission field at that time is what led me to Denver Seminary. And as I graduated from the seminary in 2017, the thought of trying to do that exact job again did not occur to me. I was working for another mission organization and doing graphic design for them. In the meantime, I decided to just stick to maintaining graphic design and rest from exhaustion with my graduate studies. I would see where God takes me from there…
Again, it was a different story then I expected.
My life took a turn I would not have preferred at the moment. I decided to step down from my graphic design job with that organization. I actually was encouraged to, which although unwelcome, was very logical as I was suffering from creativity, which is a core component of graphic design. My weariness came from all the studies and papers I had to do with my graduate degree, but I could not use those excuses for the production of designs (i.e. creativity is mandatory for graphic design).
Yet, what was next? Where do I go and what do I do? The ability to produce clever graphic design was very low, and at the time, I didn’t feel like anyone should have to pay me for spiritual direction (spiritual direction is the term used to describe my seminary degree in action).
However, ever since stepping down from that job in 2017, I see God’s hand at work. At times I feel like a puzzle. Where I have holes and irregular parts all around me, yet God always places in the next piece right next to me and it fits just fine. He caused a lot of seemingly minor situations to ultimately have the large effect on taking a step to go to Australia.
At this time in my life, I feel I have come to a place in the wood where I can’t see where the trail leads. In fact, there is no trail in front of me—neither to the left or the right. Just through the woods.
So I must just take one step forward. And as of right now that step seems to be Australia. Who knows though—I am scared the effort in that step will be similar to my last effort to go to Thailand… and with that one I tripped and fell. So how’s this one going to go? Will I make it to Australia?
Who knows. After all, it’s God’s will. Not mine. He has lead me this far—through an immense life-threatening injury, years of therapy, withstanding ten seizures, but then also graduating from a design school, as well as seminary—that I must trust Him completely.
I took this video while sitting on a bench right near the Kern River in Kernville, California. And I feel God showed me this as a symbol of what my life is life—kayaking through a river. Sure there are smooth and quiet places off to the side, yet most parts are where the waves keep going drastically up and down. Yet I feel He is telling me never to stop. I should not get out. He will make some parts calm and steady, but that is not for me to decide. Instead, I am just always to trust and rely on Him. He has brought me this far and will take me where He wants me. His will. Not mine.