I’m blind. I can’t see a thing. It’s like there’s a black mat covering my face, but no one moved it so I could see what’s behind. I’ve just been sitting on the side of the road, begging for food or money or asking for any assistance from anyone—to get water or shelter from the storms.
Recently I’ve heard quite a few times about this man named “Jesus.” From what I hear, He has done a lot for people like me—healed the blind or deaf or totally lame, as in they can’t even walk around. I’ve even heard of Him doing crazy things—like feeding tons, as in thousands, of people on the side of a mountain. They just had a few loaves of bread and some fish, and yet they all were stuffed from what was distributed, which was from what He had “multiplied." Whoever has heard of anyone who could do that?
I wonder what it’d be like to meet Him. I wonder what would happen if He saw me. Would He have compassion on me? Am I good enough to receive that? Or physically bad enough to be noticed? But maybe I don’t stand out enough. I mean there’s a lot of people sitting here beside me that are cast out from society. We’re just nobodies. Why would He pay attention to measly ole me?
And then all of a sudden one day I hear He’s coming our way. Oh my gosh! This is my one chance! I mean who cares about what people think about me?? I’m a loser anyways. “Jesus! Jesus!” I cry. I’ve got to get His attention so I shout as loud as I can: “Help me! Have mercy on me!”
“Shhhh! Shut up!” the crowd around me says. “You’re not respecting Him. He won’t look down on you. You’re of no worth.”
But this is my only opportunity. I’ve got to try again. “Lord Jesus! Have mercy on me!” Oh, please look down on me. Care for me as You’ve been caring for others. I want what they’ve got—the ability to see the world around me. I want You to heal me.
Then Jesus actually turns His head. He asks for me! For that man who’s been shouting. I get up as fast as I can with the help of the people standing near me. He noticed me!
“What can I do for you?”
Wow, I’m in awe. He can do so much, and He’s taking the time to ask the filthy me.
“I need healing. Pretty bad actually. I want to see what’s around me, and from what I’ve heard about You, You can change my eyes so that I can.”
“Your faith has healed you.” I blink. I blink again. And all of a sudden I can see the world around me. I see the many people standing nearby, and I see the city bustling around us. I see buildings and dirty streets.
And then I see Him. The one who just did the miracle of letting me see. Tears come to my eyes. This is what I’ve wanted all my life. And now it’s so amazing. So much to take in. Then He starts walking. It’s not away from me, but it’s like He’s inviting me to come with Him. So that’s what I do.
It was the best step I’ve ever taken in my life. I’m following the ultimate care-giver… the person who loves me that much… it seems as if He’d almost die for me.
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I read that story just a few days ago. This past week I spent a few days at a retreat center that I had stayed at quite a few years ago. It’s basically silent, although I did talk extremely quietly with some of the other guests (like asking how their day was, where they’re from, etc.). It’s a beautiful place in Sedalia, about a half hour drive south of Littleton.
Every morning there you have the chance to meet with a “spiritual director,” which is what I studied how to do in Seminary. Mine directed me to different Scriptures to study. Mark 10:46-52 was one of them, which is the one I just tried to describe.
When assessing that Scripture, I thought about what it’d be like to be in that setting and who I’d be. What was it like for me to be in that crowd? To be an on-looker?
Well, due to my seizures, of course I initially thought I was the most similar to Bartimaeus, the blind man—I’m “wounded” so to speak. And then I began to think about it, and I was aware I never would have had the guts to shout at the top of my lungs for Jesus’ attention. And if I was in the crowd, I would have been trying to silence Bartimaeus as well, because there’s no call to act that foolish and despicable around the Jesus I’ve heard about—the one who does miracles and changes lives.
But what if I was in the crowd and had something going on in my life that needed healing—say seizures—what would I have done? Like I said, knowing my personality, I definitely would not have been Bartimaeus. I would have been ashamed to bring that much attention to myself and admit my weakness to everyone else. But how do I get healing? How do I make sure Jesus hears me?
Just food for thought… (and to be discussed more about later)
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Through today, I’ve had at least 20 seizures since my initial Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) in 2007. I just had two of the 20 in the past 9 months during my time in Nathrop/Buena Vista, Colorado.
It seems looking back over all 20 seizures, stress has always been a huge factor. Each time it’s usually where several things that bring stress are happening all at the same time… or it’s when I have a hard time separating work from normal life. That especially has been hard for me recently as I was living on the same ranch where I work.
So I decided to step down from my job at beautiful Deer Valley Ranch. I really enjoyed it to start. I felt so blessed as I was living on the side of beautiful Mount Princeton, and the office was just a short walk away. Then on my days off I got to go down to Buena Vista and visit the people I knew who worked throughout downtown. I got involved in a great church in the area, and I even got to share my testimony with the woman’s group there. I love sharing my testimony anytime and anywhere. I pray it shows that the same God, who cared for the girl in a coma and paralyzed on one side of her body, can care for you as well.
But there were certain aspects of the job that were not right for me. It definitely was not due to the other staff who worked along side me as they were all great, but I just feel my own brain was not capable to handle all of what was given to me for various reasons. After stepping down, it seriously felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.
The scary part though is now I have to figure out what to do next in my life.
I decided to spend three and a half weeks in North Carolina with my parents. I have not been able to spend much time with them in the past year, and as I’m an only child, to them that seems like I’m still overseas.
Now I’m back in Colorado and searching for jobs—both in NC and CO. I have to say though that I long to be back in Colorado permanently, and at first I thought I’d be able to move right back to Buena Vista. But then, by going back to NC and experiencing time with my parents, I saw their need for my company more often, especially because my dad has Parkinson’s. So being near DIA (Denver International Airport) is what I’m hoping would help with that. Then I could still live in the place I love, which honestly has felt like “home” for a while, but I’m also praying for a job I could work remotely in NC occasionally.
I have been so comforted lately with reading the book by Barbara Brown Taylor, An Altar in the World. She said that one time she had been asking what exactly she was supposed to do with her life, and God had told her “Do anything that pleases you and belong to me.” At first, I was a little suspicious of this, but then she said:
At one level, that answer was no help at all. The ball was back in my court again, where God had left me all kinds of room to lob it wherever I wanted. I could be a priest or a circus worker. God really did not care… Whatever I decided to do for a living, it was not what I did but how I did it that mattered. God had suggested an overall purpose, but was not going to supply the particulars for me. If I wanted a life of meaning, then I was going to have to apply the purpose for myself.
She states that “whatever our jobs in the world happen to be, Luther said, our mutual vocation is to love God and neighbor,” which is the citing of Matthew 22:36-40, as well as Mark 12:28-31 and Luke 10:26-27. So whether it’s paid or unpaid, I am going to seek for, as Taylor writes, “something that feeds your sense of purpose, and to be willing to look low for that purpose as well as high. It may be chopping wood, and it may be running a corporation. Whatever it is, perhaps you will hold open the possibility that doing it is one way to learn what it means to become more fully human, as you press beyond being good for something, in a world with the perfect job for someone like you.”
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So this leads into my usual need of prayers… of which I’m sure you can guess most of them right now:
For a job. Like everybody else, I need to make money to eat, live somewhere, get gas, etc.
A place to live. Safety is preferred (especially for someone who can’t run), but also selfishly perhaps close to the Littleton Y, where I’ve gotten to know quite a few people?
Additional financial support beyond a part time job. Hopefully, worker’s comp (or the government?) will understand that full time jobs often lead to seizures for me… and I don’t think those are very good for my health.
Shout for mercy? I really don’t like seizures. And they’re dangerous. I was given a new type of anti-seizure medication, and it’s made a serious difference in me having emotions/feelings again, so I hope that also means it nixes the possibility of any more seizures? Please pray that I might be healed.
As I’ve stated in my last two posts, I have the desire to write a blog on people who’ve had a TBI as well (not just my own story), or really just any suffering at all (which we will all go through sometime in our life). Overall, I just want to show how God has been there each time in some way.
Then prayers for others:
My niece, Keren, who had rhabdomyosarcoma (a cancerous tumor that occurs in soft tissue) and ended up having to amputate one of her legs below the knee, now has osteosarcoma (a form of bone cancer) on her shoulder. Please pray with all your might for her health and healing, especially as she is just starting high school this year (and for her family as well, who all have had to undergo this since 2017).
Praise for my aunt, Mary, who had a form of skin cancer under the surface, is now without any signs of the disease, and pray that continues.
Complete healing for John (Mary’s husband), who just had hip replacement.
My dad, Paul, who has Parkinson’s, and for my mom, Taffney, as she is caring and looking after him.
I pray for you as well, and please feel free anytime to tell me personally how I can pray for YOU specifically.
Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.
– 1 Peter 5:8b-10, ESV
